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This is going to be a strange post since I’m not sure exactly where it’s going to go.  You might as well sit back and relax and see where it goes, though I make no promises that any destination will be reached.

I’ve never have been, nor am I now, the kind of person that has ever worried about his age.  I could not understand my friends and family as they reacted oddly upon reaching certain age milestones. "Oh my god!  I’m 25!"  I have friends who claim to feel old when they’re barely 28!  So when I turned 30 this year, it was no big deal for me.

Or was it?

My birthday came and went and I didn’t feel any different for it.  It hit me that perhaps I have no concept of my age!  Later this year I’ve had to remind myself that I was 30 and each time it was like a little revelation.  Perhaps I’m still too much a kid a heart.  I like to have fun, I like to do things that entertain me.  For someone who’s so introverted, I’m pretty outward with my fun.

Maybe I haven’t quite let go of childhood.  Maybe I’m not 30 in my head.  Maybe that’s why even the idea of having children fills me with a sense of dread.  Maybe it’s because I’m selfish and having kids I would no longer "come first" in my own priorities.

That sounded a bit too self-centered.  What I mean is that my children would be my top priority, bumping me down to the bottom of the list.  Not that I was #1 on my own list to begin with.

I’ve seen my friends with children.  Empty husks, shadows of their former selves who claim to love their diminutive overlords but secretly plot escape and revenge.  Ok, so maybe I exaggerate a little…

That feels like growing old to me.  Or at least it did until recently.  My friends with children, for better or for worse leave a legacy.  It doesn’t matter if they are good or bad parents, all that matters is that they managed to create a life that will go on even when they’re gone.

This makes me look at myself and ask "What have I created?"

During an interview, a long time ago, somebody asked me "Why do you want to be a programmer?"  My answer was simple and from the core of my being. "As a programmer, I can take intangible, ethereal concepts and make then a reality."  Literally, I create something where there was nothing.  I suppose then that you can say that programs are my legacy.

But the question remains, "What have I created?"  What have I created so far that people will look at and remember me?

During my various jobs I’ve created many things.  My first feeling of accomplishment came from rewriting the scripting framework for my first job while in college.  Productivity was increased by such a degree that my employer had no idea what to do with the spare cycles.  We, with my framework, finished a 4 week project in a week… and they were expecting us to work overtime to get it done in time!  Also, the script running times went from 18 hours to a measly 2 hours.  As a friend of mine says "I was so happy, I had a kitten!"

I had many such achievements.  When I worked on the MS Publisher team, the feature I wrote was reviewed as "one of the top five reasons to upgrade to the latest version".  This must be how a parent feels when they hear that their child just got a full scholarship to a prestigious university.

And yet that question nags at me, "What have I created?"

Anyone who knows me is aware of my passion for games.  Playing them and making them.  When I was a wee lad and my uncle introduced me to his computer one of the "videogames" I’d play on it was "10 PRINT ‘HELLO!’" (unfortunately, I only knew PRINT and my brother and cousin wanted to play actual video games so I never got time on that box).  For as long as I can remember I’ve been writing video games.  From the Apple IIe to IIgs to the PC (DOS) to Windows.  Heck, I’ve even dabbled on the GameBoy Advanced and Xbox.

It was then that I realized I wasn’t hearing the question right.  "What games have I created?"

If success was measured by the number of games I started, I would be the undisputed king of the games industry.  I would make Will Wright, Warren Spector, John Romero, Tom Hall, Richard Garriott and Peter Molyneux look like absolute hacks.  However, these giants have created, nay, crafted some of the most beloved games — games that have inspired thousands, like me, to follow in their footsteps.  They didn’t just start games, they finished them.

I’ve proved than I’m a good software engineer so why can’t I finish a game?  Am I afraid to succeed?  I’ve gotten close many times so why the block?  Typically I’ll get close and then something else will come along.  Am I lacking in my personal project the discipline I have in my professional life?

Maybe, just maybe… I’m afraid to grow old.  Creating a game from scratch that people play and love is a monumental task, it is my achievement, my legacy.  It is my baby.  I will have taken something ethereal and given it life.

But this is a fallacy, it’s ridiculous.  Being successful doesn’t make you older.

I look over the last 20 years that I’ve been attempting to program games and I ask myself "What games have I created?" and as I look at the answer I feel old.

I will not, however, end this post, the first in five months, on such a melodramatic note.  Last year, I got close, real close to finishing a game.  You may even remember seeing screenshots of it.  The game of course is UnderGround Heroes, or UGH for short.  UGH ran on the PC and on the Xbox 360, it was a hack’n’slash dungeon crawl in a randomly generated deathtrap.  The point was to reach the end and fight the evil, the vile, the fiendish Necrofabulous.  A short while after staring the game, my friend proj joined me and together we banged out this litany of awesome over the Thanksgiving week.

Now I face another Thanksgiving week, and I have a game that I have probably started more than any other.  I have started it on the PC, on PDAs, on PC again, on the GameBoy Advance, and back to the PC.  This is my true baby, this is my favorite son.

I may be 30 now, but I’m not 31 yet.  On my birthday next year, when that voice asks "What game have I made?" I’ll be able to figuratively look at in the eye and say with pride two words: Pookie Pookie.