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This Week in Weird #1

Welcome everyone to this new weekly column where we at Arabundi.com scour the web to uncover the most bizarre happenings of the week so that you don’t have to. But Arabundi, I hear you say, you just wen’t on Reuters an Ananova and just picked some stuff out of their “weird stories” sections. True enough, but here you will find the best of both worlds, so deal with it.

Without further ado, let’s start in Budapest in that whacky country of Hungary where it seems that a TV show hostess is going to be running for a seat in the European Parliament. You naysayers are probably thinking that she’ll never win… but what if she runs naked? Anettka Feher, in her 30s, decided that she’s going to run nude, but don’t let that distract you from her poignant issues, after all it’s just a means to an end. Now, Ms. Feher isn’t the only one to bear it all in the European Parliament. Ilona Staller, another Budapest native better known as the Cicciolina (not work safe), the Italian porn star, has held an Italian seat in the parliament for years. Does this mean that Anettka and the Cicciolina have something in common? Not if you ask Anettka.

“If they (Hungarian mainstream politicians) think I am just another Cicciolina, they are in for a big surprise: I am smart, and I have a daily four-hour presence on a national television channel.” Yes, well, good thing you set us all straight. I will never doubt your cranial capacity again. (Reuters)

Keeping with the “nude” trend, lets talk about that quiet, wintery town of Madison, Maine. It seems Normand St. Michel has a dream. He wants to open a coffee shop. How could his small operation fare against the Starbucks, the Dunkin Donuts, the Krispy Kremes of the world? Simple, in a maneuver that is part Hooters, part strip club, and part Starbucks, he’s going to hire topless waitresses. Yes, you read that right, a topless coffeeshop. I don’t know, I might actually start drinking coffee now. The best part is that Mr. St. Michel is going to go by the book and already got the go-ahead for “Heavenly Angels” from the Chamber of Commerce. Oddest of all, the city does not impose an age limit, though St. Michel has decided that his will be an 18+ establishment.

Doors open this summer, who’s with me? (Reuters)

One more sex related story, I promise it’s the last one and you won’t find this on Reuters! I’ve saved the best for last. In the course of your lifetime, you may have known someone who actually bought a blow-up sex doll. These poor individuals must degrade themselves, time after time by fornicating with what really ammounts to a floatation device with a surprised expression. For those what want kwalitee, they can check out Real Doll (definitely not work safe). You see, Real Dolls look and feel (supposedly) like a human being. They have skeleton, skin, a rubbery, meaty feel to them. One has described it as “humping a corpse” having lead to his first “morguegasm”. These “companions” are not cheap, starting at $5999 and going from there. For such a price, you are allowed several choices in body types and what not, from the strip club dancer, to the freakish hentai anime girl. Wowza. Comic Book Guy will never be lonely again!

Now, you’ll hardly find a Consumer Report on this form of entertainment, but fear not, a detailed account of an encounter with a Real Doll is documented here. Read it, it’s hillarious. Probably not work safe.

More to come later today…

Every now and again, I’ll read something on the paper that elicits the only sane, reasonable response from me: complete and utter rage. When this usually happens, it spreads like a virulent disease across other subject matter.

Yesterday, I read two such things. Oh boy!

If you are gay or live in Boston, or are gay and living in Boston, you probably heard that gay marriages are legal in the Bay state. Good for them. Not being gay, it does not affect me. However, the Boston Commons was swamped on Sunday by thousands of people protesting that gay marriages should be illegal. Not to be outdone, a throng of supporters of gay marriages met them in what can only be described as a Braveheart-esque melee. Instead of swords, they wielded signs, there really wasn’t a melee per se, and nobody really got eviscerated (sadly).

When I read this, four magical words of power sprung to mind. “Who gives a fuck?!” Which were followed closely by “Why is this on the front page?” Why is this important? In a tiny, minuscule corner of the paper there was another headline stating that our esteemed president changed his story as to why we went to war with Iraq, you see, Saddam didn’t have weapons of mass destructions, but he could have built them.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! What kind of world do we live in where an anti-gay and an anti-anti-gay parade gains larger exposure than the president’s bullshit about a war he started for no reason other than to inflate his popularity while dragging the country’s good name in through the gutter?

I don’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t want gays to marry. You are not important. You are an insignificant ant who wants to be heard once in its insignificant live. Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up already. Wah Gays can’t marry, it’s against God. Wah, gays can’t marry, it’s against nature. Here’s a news flash, what makes this country great is freedom of thought, speech, and religion. Therefore you cannot apply your religious beliefs to anyone. You see, you are not special anymore, you don’t count. That is why when a simian redneck from Texas says that he’s a man close to God and then dictates policy for the free world, I want to cry.

Church and State do not mix; they are like oil and water. Don’t even try, or rabid wolverines will claw your face out (at least in my mind).

So now where do we stand? We went to war with Iraq. We lost an uncountable number of soldiers, more during the post-war than during the war in search of these elusive WMDs. Now that they are nowhere to be found the president says that it wasn’t the reason we went there? Excuse me, take that banana from out of your mouth, Cheetah, and say that one more time slowly, in English, without making up words this time? WHAT THE FUCK? Why were we there at all?

In the wake of this fiasco there was on the paper in big bold letter that a letter was found from someone’s close friend’s aunt’s cousin’s sister former roommate that terrorists are in Iraq. Woop dee doo! Holy shit, am I glad we invaded. Say, is this information as valid as the WMD information we had? How sure are you? Would you be willing to war for it? Oops, too late for that.

It’s high time we get a new president. Bush and Dick have fucked up our country too much, it’s almost criminal. The only possible good replacement would be Kerry. Let’s hope he wins.

Coincidentally Kerry stated that he’s against gay marriages, but it’s should be up to the individual states to decide on the policy rather than having a nationwide blanket rule. I like that. He shows balls to make a decision without dodging the bullet, but then says that he’s not going to impose his preference, leaving it up to the states to sort it out.

Since we are on back on the subject of gays, don’t be fooled into thinking I’m a pro gay hippie. I have my share of bitching for them, and it goes a little something like this:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I don’t go around telling everyone that I love women. I don’t go around deepening my voice to an extent as to make me a human subwoofer just to show how manly I am. I act like a normal person. More over if I DID do that, I’d be a homophobic chauvinist pig. However, I walk on my college campus and see signs that say “I have a strap-on, what are you going to do about it?” and I have to smile and nod? Hell no! Shut the fuck up! It’s 2004. You are not shocking anyone anymore. You won’t any more attention by screaming “I’m gay! Are you shocked yet?” No, I’m not shocked. Now get that dick out your ass and we can actually converse like adults.

I see a gay couple acting like a couple, and I’m fine with that. Guess what? Nobody likes to see and constantly-overly-lovey couple, no matter what preferences they have. So, no, it’s not a fucking personal attack. Stop hiding behind that shield. Not everyone who disagrees with you a homophobe, moron. When I see someone that has purposely gone out of his/her way to make sure everyone knows they are gay, I just have to laugh not to cry. Just shut the fuck up. Honestly, nobody cares. You are not that important. You are not going to make the 5 o’clock news. Now, stop giving normal gay people a bad name.

In summary: To the anti-gays I say, SHUT THE FUCK UP. To the obnoxiously gay I say, SHUT THE FUCK UP. To that primate in the White House I say, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LOSE THE ELECTION ALREADY!

Ah, that feels better.